Lessons from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray

A few disclaimers to start things off: I took notes mostly from the male seeking female perspective, and because of the author’s use of gendered terms it would be hard not to do the same. The author states at the outset and I agree that women can exhibit ‘male’ pattern behavior as it is discussed in the book and vice versa.

This is my first experience in the self-help genre in a while if we could call it that, but I knew my communication skills needed some work. I learned a bunch from this book, and in the future when I have trouble, I will be revisiting this article and attempting to remind myself of things to keep top of mind and how to properly and commonly show love, care, and attention.

My biggest takeaway from the book is that in the past I brought a Mr-Fix-It mentally to discussions within my relationships, while Gray counsels men that women often just need someone to listen and empathize with their predicament or problem. With this is mind, I will be focusing on my active listening going forward, even in discussions with my male friends.

“God gave us two ears but only one mouth”

Lessons from the book:

· Just because a woman shares her feelings does not mean she needs a fixer to solve her problem – she just needs someone to listen

· With a sense of greater cooperation, hope increases, and then love is often reignited

· At the end of the day, it is about showing the woman in your life that you are her teammate and on her side with your words and actions

· Telling her that you love her unconditionally and that you are supportive of her no matter what she chooses to do

· With love and good communication, most problems, even the “big problems”, can be solved and resolved

· In the heat of an argument or a discussion it is easy for me to lose sight of this, and going forward I am going to look at my partner and remind myself of all the good things and the love that we share

· The goal is a healthy relationship with good vibes and sustainable love, and your partner could use a reminder of that from time to time

· We are all conditioned to a great degree by small but consistent experiences of our partner – never take the small and mundane for granted, be present for the moments that matter to her, make eye contact and pay attention

o Rome was built brick by brick, and so is a strong loving relationship

o Recognize that the little moments matter, and take extra care with your partner even when things seem inconsequential

· Most of the time your woman just needs more understanding and affection and her eyes will sparkle

o Affection does not necessarily mean physical touch. Learn what love languages speak to your partner.

o Show your partner you care by listening actively, holding her hand, reminding her you are on her team, and reminding her you think the world of her

· We too easily blame our partners rather than our poor approach

o Offer love and understanding and do not jump in with solutions to her problems

o A woman does not need a man to fix her problems

· Women most commonly complain “he does not listen”

o Be her confidant and cheerleader

· When we lighten up, it becomes easier to remember all the good times and qualities and characteristics of our partner

o Keep things calm

o Enjoy the little moments and laughing with your partner about a warm memory when conversations began to heat up

· Above all else, love is giving, compassionate, and forgiving

o Make room in your heart for all three of the above

· Unconditional love means loving your partner even on the “tough” days

o Be there for her in her times of need

· Opening the heart results in greater forgiveness and increased motivation to give and receive love

· Men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings

o Move against your natural instinct, acknowledge her feelings, and do not feel like you need to fix things

· Venusians feel the instinctive need to talk about what is bothering them

o Be a more active listener, it’s important

· Women are motivated when they feel cherished

o Never take her for granted and give thanks for all the things big and small that she does

o Look her in the eyes and remind her how much she means to you

· Women primarily need a love that is caring, understanding, and respectful

o Work to understand something new about your partner even when the relationship is maturing

· When men and women can respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom

• It is not about changing your partner, it’s about enjoying who they are

• Love is magical, and it can last if we remember our differences

• You and your partner are different, but let them know you love so much the things that are unique to them

· “She wants empathy, but he thinks she want solutions”

o Again, do not be Mr. Fix It

o “He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive”

· Communication is of great importance to Venusians

o Talking and relating to one another is a source of great fulfillment

· Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady stream of solutions to her problems

o “Come here, let me give you a hug” can work wonders

· Men go to their caves and women talk

o Men retreat into themselves when they are having a tough time, and women tend to do the opposite

o When Martians go to their caves they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too

· Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished

o Be ready to cherish your partner

· Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self

· Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving

o Recognize when you are being afraid of giving

o Share more with your partner

· It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure

o Do not feel like you need to protect and provide for her in all conditions and circumstances, some things are beyond your control

o It is a mistake to feel this way as a man

· A man must grow to understand his own cycles and reassure his woman when he will be back

· Women are like waves

o When she hits bottom it is time for emotional housekeeping

· When negative feelings are suppressed, positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies

· It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support

· A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman’s primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on she is loved

o Remind your lady of your love, respect, admiration, and affection more often

· Men rarely say “I am sorry” because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and are apologizing

· A man does not realize that to a woman the little things are just as important as the big things

Three Steps for Supporting Her:

1. Accept your limitations

2. Understand her pain

3. Avoid arguing and give reassurance

Women Need to Receive:

· Caring

· Understanding

· Respect

· Devotion

· Validation

· Reassurance

To fulfill a woman, a man needs to understand what she needs to feel loved and supported:

· Validate her feelings when she is upset

· Compliment her on how she looks

· Give her your full attention

· Give her four hugs a day

· Call her at work and tell her you love her

· Take short romantic getaways

· Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of your relationship

And a good note to end on. It’s magic when a man does the little things for his woman.

I learned a bunch from reading the book, and it gave me new perspective on how to approach all relationships moving forward. Thank you for following along!